Attachment Theory: The Desire to Be Connected
There are some topics that float into the mainstream. Thanks in part to social media and a handful of fairly popular books you may have heard of Attachment Theory. Knowing about the theory can give you insight into how some people seem to form close, trusting relationships easily while others struggle to get and stay connected.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory was first developed in the 1950’s by psychologist John Bowlby. At its base, the theory suggests that how our caregivers responded to our needs early in life helps us learn what to expect and how to interact in our future relationships. This is a brief overview of the four different attachment styles.
The Four Types of Attachment Styles
Anxious
Avoidant
Disorganized (a Combination of Anxious and Avoidant)
Secure
Anxious Attachment
This attachment style is most likely to develop when caregivers were inconsistent about meeting your needs while you were growing up. Needs can include basic survival, comfort, and a sense of security. Caregivers were around sometimes, but they couldn’t always be relied on. While there may have not been abuse it could look like neglect. In response, now you might not want to let your partner get too far away for fear that they might not come back when you need them.
Anxiously attached individuals often desire to be right next to their partner both emotionally and physically. They can feel an increasing sense of discomfort when they feel like their partner is “too far” away from them. Their habit of seeking constant reassurance from their partner can be overwhelming is often the same behavior that pushes their partner further away. The further the partner backs away from the onslaught of reassurance seeking, the more the behavior increases if someone with this attachment style does not have healthy ways to manage symptoms. The cycle gets more intense and the relationship conflict likely will go up if the pattern goes on. The clingy or overbearing behavior is often from a desire to feel loved and secure.
Avoidant Attachment
Caregivers who are emotionally unavailable, distant, or unresponsive may teach their children that other people cannot be relied upon. Individuals with Avoidant Attachment often intensely value their independence and make efforts to avoid vulnerability. Relying on others may be seen as a weakness. They may avoid relationships so much that even when they want to connect with someone they have no idea how to express themselves or connect in a meaningful way. They may also not fully realize their tendency to retreat into themselves when things feel intense.
As you may have guessed, anxious types and avoidant types have an uncanny ability to to find one another. At the beginning of the relationship before things feel ‘too close’ for the avoidant person everything might be just right for the one with the anxious attachment style. As things progress, the avoidant person is likely to start backing up and thus begins an unhealthy game of chase and retreat.
Disorganized Attachment
Individuals who experience trauma or abuse may be more likely to develop the disorganized attachment style which is like a combination of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. This style may look like clinging onto a relationship for dear life and then abruptly disengaging in a repeating pattern of push and pull which leaves their partner feeling uncertain. It can be confusing to watch from the outside as their behaviors don’t seem to align with what they say they want. Other people may see someone with this attachment style as being unpredictable.
Secure Attachment
Caregivers who are consistently responsive and emotionally available are more likely to raise children who will develop a secure attachment style. This doesn’t mean that your childhood had to be perfect, but that the people who cared for you were reliable. You then go into future relationships with the assumption that people can be relied upon. Securely attached people are more likely to feel comfortable being authentic because they are not worried their attachment is at risk if they do something wrong. Individuals with a secure attachment style are more likely to find it easier to balance closeness with independence and communicate openly.
Attachment Representation
Unfortunately, the media does a terrible job of showing what a healthy, secure attachment looks like. It is very rare to see a partnership represented that is healthy. Part of the reason is likely because it is more boring to watch. Partners who are securely attached will likely have less drama going on and thus not make good reality television. This means that if you did not get to see a securely attached partnership between your own caregivers you may have no idea what that model could look like.
If we went by what the media suggests we would often have an intensely unhealthy view of ‘acceptable’ relationship behaviors. As a counselor it can be rough to see incredibly unhealthy to abusive behaviors (such as stalking) getting a funny soundtrack or represented as “cute.” This wouldn't be so bad in fiction if more of us understood what healthy looks like so we could spot the differences between cute and creepy behavior.
Changing Attachment Styles
While we can’t change our attachment style overnight, you can learn how to manage ineffective coping behaviors and begin to move toward developing a secure attachment style. Once you recognize your own attachment patterns, you can start to understand why you might act a certain way in relationships. This awareness allows you to make conscious choices to break old patterns.
Here are some ways to move toward building a more secure attachment:
Self-awareness: Recognize your behaviors and triggers in relationships. Notice if you tend to get increasingly anxious or withdraw emotionally.
Communication: Learning how to communicate well is much harder than you might think. As long as you are in a safe relationship, letting your partner know your thoughts and emotions in a healthy way can build connection.
Therapy: Seeking professional help can be incredibly valuable for catching ineffective coping mechanisms you may not be aware of or may not know how to change on your own. A therapist can help you work through these issues and form healthier patterns in your relationships.