Anger Iceberg: What Lurks Beneath The Surface?

Anger is one of the base six emotions and is perfectly valid. However, it is rarely on its own. Often we can see and hear someone's anger, but like a floating iceberg at sea we may not be getting the whole picture of what is really going on beneath the surface.

Hidden Depths

Anger can be so loud and take up so much space it can be easy to miss what else is going on. Maybe we’re looking at someone who's actually so hurt or sad that they have no idea what to do with those big feelings. Maybe you've seen someone who's lost something important to them really ‘acting out’ instead of looking obviously 'sad'. Have you ever seen someone who perceived their safety to be threatened and responded with visible anger instead of looking anxious? For example, imagine if someone jumped out at a friend for a surprise party reveal and that person clenches their fists, storms off, or maybe yells. Sure, they looked angry. Beneath that anger they could have been experiencing surprise or fear followed by embarrassment at their own reaction in front of everyone they care about.

Safety on Ice

People take refuge in their Anger Icebergs. It can feel more pleasant to be screaming or stewing in anger than to experience the other emotions swirling around. People that look angry might seem strong or admirable in some way depending on the culture where they are from. Around the world there are cultures with implicit or explicit lessons around what emotions are acceptable to show in public for different people based on labels such as gender and social class. People may be taught that it is better to ‘suck it up’ or ‘sweep it under the rug’ rather than acknowledge or admit to what else they may be feeling. Even for people who would prefer to acknowledge what is going on they may have no social script or skills to do so. The pipes are pretty clogged and a lot of people are not only frustrated but are also experiencing emotions such as sadness, hurt, or anxiety. So, what does it look like on the outside above the surface of the waterline? Like a lot of anger. Everywhere.

Missing the Point

Anger can be so off putting that we do not dare to explore beneath the surface to find what else might be going on. It can also seem so obvious that someone is angry that we do not wonder if they may also be sad, scared, or unsure. The next time you see someone expressing anger try an exercise in curiosity and wonder what else might be going on. That does not mean put yourself in harm's way or attempt to psychoanalyze someone to their face. Telling a stranger you think they aren’t really mad at the new price of drinks at the fast food place so much as that they’re embarrassed they don’t have the money to pay their bill - isn’t going to win you friends and could potentially put you in a worse situation.

The next time you are angry you could practice wondering what else may be below the surface for yourself. Anger is a perfectly valid emotion in its own right. Anger can act as a shield or sword to protect the more vulnerable feelings below. Acknowledging for yourself that a few other feelings may be swirling around can be incredibly helpful for actually naming and meeting your own needs.

If you feel like you need more practice noticing and responding to your emotions you're not the only one. Very few us of us grew up with caregivers who taught us healthy and effective ways of handling our emotions. Working with a professional counselor could be a great way for building the skills you need to respond to stressors that come your way.