Bids For Connection: A Simple Key to Stronger Relationships

A bid is any attempt to connect to another person. How we respond to these bids can significantly influence the quality of our relationships.

Bids for Connection

When it comes to mental and emotional well-being, the quality of our relationships plays a huge role. One of the most practical—and often overlooked—tools for building stronger, more connected relationships comes from the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman: bids for connection.

A bid is any attempt one person makes to connect with another. It can be as subtle as a smile, a sigh, or a shared observation (“Look at that sunset!”), or more direct, like asking for a hug or starting a conversation. How we respond to these bids can significantly influence the strength and stability of our relationships.

Turn Toward Each Other

According to Gottman’s research, successful couples and close friends respond to bids positively about 86% of the time. That means they turn toward each other—acknowledging the bid and engaging with it. On the other hand, repeatedly ignoring or dismissing bids (turning away or against) can erode trust and emotional intimacy over time.

Types of Bids

Let's give an example of how your partner may begin a bid for connection. If your partner were to say, "I had rough day at work." How could you respond?

• Turning toward: Actively engaging with your partner's bid.

  • Ex. You reply, “Want to talk about it?”

• Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid.

  • Ex. You keep scrolling on your phone.

• Turning against: Rejecting the bid.

  • Ex. You snap back, “I had a rougher one. Don’t start.”

    
    

Over time, these small moments add up. Responding to bids is not about perfection—none of us can be present 100% of the time—but about building a pattern of connection and care. Whether it's with a partner, child, friend, or colleague, noticing and responding to bids can foster warmth, trust, and emotional resilience.

Research has shown that for every bid that isn't met there can be a negative impact on the relationship. It can take 5 carrots (turning towards) for every 1 stick (turning away or against) a partner to make up for a missed bid for connection. It can be very difficult to resolve lost chances for connection.

So the next time someone reaches out in even the smallest way, try turning toward. You might be surprised at how powerful those little moments can be.

Takeaway Tip: Today, pay attention to the bids others make toward you—and consider how you might respond with presence and curiosity. Stronger relationships often start with the smallest gestures.

References

Ury, L. (2019, February 11). Want to improve your relationship? Start paying more attention to bids. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/