Mismatched Memories vs Gaslighting: Why You Remember That Fight Differently

It can be maddening when your partner says they remember an event in a way you do not. This difference can spark an entirely new conflict that leaves the original conflict unresolved. Learning how to not get caught on “what really happened” can lead couples to learn how to acknowledge and actually resolve conflicts in the relationship.

Memories and Conflict

Our minds were not designed to perfectly record events as they happen to us. Instead, our minds are much more like masterful storytellers busy crafting stories influenced by our own past events, biases, and how we felt both at the time of the event and in the moment in which we are thinking about it later.

When two people get in a conflict there will immediately be two different stories about what happened. Even if I were to record the event and play it back to them perfectly - their perceptions of what happened are still going to be different. This means if they try to talk about the conflict later and compare notes there will be an inevitable disagreement somewhere.

Unfortunately, many couples get into arguments about the details of a past conflict instead of resolving it. They believe their memory is a perfect historical record and that their story about what happened must be the only right one - a concept that can be called Memory Chauvinism. If a partner insists on focusing on “Facts” as if there is only one True and Real version of events, they will not resolve any situation.. Instead they will create a new series of events in which they are dismissing their partner’s view of the world and their emotional reaction to it. Arguments about “what really happened” can quickly lead to feeling attacked or rejected. The conflict can get even more escalated if someone accuses their partner of “gaslighting” them and their story (1).

Gaslighting vs Differences in Memory

There has been a huge surge in the use of the term gaslighting. Unfortunately, I have seen it used too often as a barbed attack against a partner who has a different memory of an event. A partner who remembers something differently is not the same thing as a partner who is intentionally trying to get you to question your reality.

“Gaslighting-deliberately causing partners to question their reality–exists, but we must not conflate it with honest differences in recollection.” (1)

Gaslighting can look like a partner questioning your version of events, insisting that because you remember it “wrong” that you are wrong to feel the way you do, and may attempt to deny that they have done anything wrong when you know they have. Gaslighting tactics often shift blame and make you feel like your head is spinning.

Memory differences can look like a partner who is confused about your version of events, may ask you about why your story is different from theirs, and may withdraw because the difference is leading them to feel disconnected from you.

A partner who is gaslighting or a partner who is simply remembering something differently may both look angry, hurt, anxious, or animated. A key difference is that in a healthy relationship a partner will treat you with fairness and respect even if they remember events differently.

In a healthy relationship a partner will treat you with fairness and respect even if they remember events differently.

What To Do With Differences in Memory

Often a conflict over an event which is remembered differently looks like one partner focusing on facts while the other focuses on the experience. Even if two people are in the same conversation at the same time they are not experiencing the same situation. Learning to focus on what matters instead of differences in memory can be a game changer to resolving relationship conflict.

• Accept that your partner’s view and memories of an experience will be different from yours.

• Bring attention to the details you both agree on if there are any.

• Acknowledge that even if you do not share the exact same experience or set of facts that you can still work toward resolving the conflict.

• Use fair and respectful language even when you disagree.

  • Do not accuse or argue about details. Statements such as “you’re wrong,” “you’re gaslighting me,” or “you’re doing this on purpose” are unproductive.

• Identify and Express the Need.

  • There’s a good chance that one reason you are so hung up on the differences in memories is that you may believe that if your partner shared your experience they would be able to read your mind and meet your needs. If they magically shared your experience, what do you imagine they would be doing differently right now? Tell them what that is by making a polite request. Move into resolving the conflict by letting your partner know what you need. Don’t expect them to guess or read your mind accurately. If you aren’t sure what you need - you’re allowed to say that out loud. Sometimes just saying that you know you need something but aren’t sure what that is can be a step forward.

• Engage with Curiosity.

  • Is your partner trying to tell you something about what they need when they are focused on the differences in memories? Are they having a hard time putting something into words? What are we really fighting about?

Disagreeing Can Hurt

It makes sense that you are hurt that your partner is remembering something differently than you. When your memories and experiences are different it can feel like a form of disconnection, rejection, or even betrayal. While you are hurt, remember to turn toward your partner even if you do not have a shared memory of an event. Engage them with curiosity and openness. Practice behaving like the person and the partner you want to be.

Having a mediator can be a huge help to noticing and responding to conflicts in a relationship. A good couples counselor can help you notice what your mind’s storyteller is doing, teach you strategies to respond differently, and help a couple learn new ways for resolving conflict. You do not have to keep having all of the same conflicts over and over. Consider working with a professional, licensed counselor to help you improve how you manage conflict with your partner.

References

(1) Stosny, S. (2022, August 5). Why your partner remembers things differently from you. Anger in the Age of Entitlement [Blog post]. Psychology Today. 

Whiting, J. (2021, February 27). The memory problem that is causing your arguments [Blog post]. Love, Lies and Conflict. Psychology Today.

University of Waterloo, Department of Psychology. (2015, April 1). ‘But you never said…’ Why couples remember differently [News release]. University of Waterloo.