Talking is Easy. Communicating is Hard. Three Steps to Better Communication (SEA)

Telling someone what is going on can be tricky. Say too much or too little and you are not likely to get what you need. Here’s a strategy for breaking down good communication into three steps; Situation, Emotion, Action.

Types of Communication

We can be passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, or assertive when we are communicating with someone else. Assertive communication means being able to name what happened, how you feel about it, and naming the action step that comes next.

Situation

Name the situation. What happened? Be as clear and concise as possible. Start with an “I” statement. If you start with the word ‘you’ or the other person’s name, whatever you say next is likely to land poorly.

Example: I noticed there was a wet towel on the floor.

Not: You left a wet towel on the floor.

Emotion

Name the emotion. It can be an emotional vocabulary word or how the sensation feels. You do not have to name your emotion out loud if you are talking to someone who has a history of using your words against you or if the situation would not call for it like a professional setting. It is valuable to know your Emotion even if you do not share this part out loud.

Example: I feel grossed out by the idea of mold growing on the carpet.

Not: You always make me feel like this.

Action (Polite Request):

When talking to someone else, the Action step is a Polite Request. You are asking in a way that is fair and respectful for another person to take Action. Remember that what you are asking for is something the other person needs to be capable of doing within the next hour or so. Asking someone to always or never do something is asking them to make an unrealistic promise. When you make a Polite Request they could say yes, no, or say yes and not follow through. If someone does not follow through that becomes a new Situation with a new Action step.

Example: Could you please put that towel away in the next thirty minutes? I’d really appreciate it.

Not: Can you never leave wet towels on the floor again?

Remember that if Plan A involves another person then Plan B does not. If someone doesn’t complete your Polite Request you are at a new Choice Point and get to decide how you are going to respond.

Examples of SEA

Situation: I really like it when we spend time together without our screens.

Emotion: It makes me feel connected and important.

Action/Polite Request: For our date tonight, could you turn off your phone for the next hour?

Situation: I had a really tough day today at work.

Emotion: I’m feeling overwhelmed and a bit frazzled.

Action/Polite Request: I’d like to spend an hour on my own reading to recharge my introvert battery. Would you be willing to give me some quiet time for an hour?

Situation: We’re having a really important conversation right now about this conflict. What you have to say matters to me.

Emotion: I feel like my chest is full of bees and I can’t hear you over them anymore. It’s a lot.

Action/Polite Request: Could we take a twenty minute break, reset, and meet back here in the living room? I’d appreciate it.

Example of SEA when the Polite Request Did Not Happen

Situation: I see that towel on the floor that you agreed to pick up about an hour ago.

Emotion: I’m a bit disappointed.

Action: I’m going to put it away.

Situation: I noticed you looking at your phone while we were spending time together.

Emotion: I’m feeling disconnected from you.

Action: Our relationship is important to me. I’d like to be able to talk to you about this. Would now be a good time to talk?

Situation: I asked if I could have a quiet hour after a long day at work and I haven’t been able to get that.

Emotion: When you keep coming in and out of the room asking me questions about dinner I feel stressed.

Action: I’m going to go on a walk and try to reset. I’ll be be back within twenty minutes.

More Reading: This article builds off of the post Well That Happened if you'd like to learn more.